Good In Bed

by Erick Rudiak

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03:07
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03:26
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02:35
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03:27
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about

These songs were recorded as they were intended to be heard: in a living room, in a single take, no click track, no post-production punches, inserts, cross-fades.

credits

released November 27, 2016

Erick Rudiak: music, lyrics, engineering, digital mastering, analog soundscaping

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about

ER

Less country than Robbie Fulks, less rock-and-roll than Steve Poltz, less uninhibited than Rhett Miller, less political than Billy Bragg, less fastidious than Josh Ritter... something for every clever song lover!

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Track Name: Coin
When I'm near you, I feel brand new, I feel shiny as a coin
When we're hiking through the forest, I can't wait to climb up in your tent

But when you go
I'm all status and no quo
I'm P-B and no J
I'm foul and no play

You move slowly, it's unholy, guacamole never tasted so good
When you're near me, and you cheer me across the finish line, I'm out of breath

When we cuddle, you're not subtle, the space shuttle made less noise
When it's quiet, I can't help it,
like a ninja I attack

When I'm hollow, your song fills me
Zeus, Apollo and the muses approve
Track Name: Baltimore Sun
Did the Baltimore sun shine on you so hard
That it made you forget all the times that we'd shared
And the grass in Galena, did it tickle your feet
so softly that it made you laugh the way that I once did

Did the words of my song strike a cord deep inside
The castle you're building around that fragile heart
Did the spy that I sent behind your central defenses
bring back secrets that only the love of your life should have seen

And I remember you saying, "I'm so happy I could die," and what a shame 'cause I am finally so happy I could live
"I'm so light that I could fly," and what a shame 'cause I am finally so grounded after all these years

Did I tell you the light in my fingers has dimmed
And the jets in my toes won't burn as brightly again
Did I tell you the runways at Midway
don't bring me the joy that they used to when they flew you to me

And I played my guitar the day that you left my orbit
Until I broke all the strings that you may have heard me playing
Then I hummed all the songs I had written for you
but never played because I feared you would figure them out

And I called up the Westerville weekly gazette
And I spoke to a girl who had your middle initial
And I placed an obituary for that little morsel of my heart
that you buried the night that you fled
Track Name: The Girl With the Shoulderblade Tattoo
There she goes
The girl with the funny nose
That's always buried in a book
You haven't given her that second look

And you say
A girl has got to have that certain sway
The kind that makes you kind of weak
You're looking for the sunshine on top of the dark mystique

And so you do what you gotta do
You make an exception to that rule,
Just like you did for the girl with the shoulderblade tattoo

When you see her out
Driving in her foreign car
Don't be fooled into thinking the distance is much too far
You'll see a Saturn is something you can do without
When you do what you gotta do

You make an exception to that rule
Just like you did for the girl with the shoulderblade tattoo

And it isn't fair
You didn't mean to meet him there
With the bartender looking on
But he approached you with that awkward boyish charm
And so you did what you had to do

You made an exception to that rule,
Just like you did for the boy who howled at the moon

Maybe she don't watch your favorite TV show... yet
Maybe you don't read her favorite author... yet
Perhaps you didn't get the memo
That smart is the new blonde
Brown is the new blue
And lonely is the current you

And so you do what you gotta do
You make an exception to that rule,
Just like you did for the girl with the shoulderblade tattoo
Track Name: If U Died 4 Me
If you died for me, that wouldn't really be creative, now would it?
Don't you think I'd rather be with a man who can handle a rattlesnake or a biker gang?

If you died for me, I think I'd make a miserable widow
Do I look like the kind of girl who wants to spend her Friday nights with ashes in a locket?

If you want to impress me, if you want me to fall hard,
Don't you die for me

You think I'm beautiful? The most beautiful... ever?
Have you never seen fresh snow falling in the woods, or a Raphael in a museum?

You think I'm hot! Well I might be at the moment.
Will you still think so when I lose the race between my metabolism and these brownies?

If you want to impress me, if you want me to fall hard,
You'd better do better than beautiful

You say that no one will ever love me like you do
If it makes you feel better, I'll admit on a level that's chemical, molecular, cellular... technically that's true.

I was meant for you? Tell me more about your notions of free will!
Was I placed on this planet to fulfill some requirement for you to be happy?

You were meant for me? I don't recall anybody asking
My criteria and weighting for the qualities I'd like in a lover... this year

If you want to impress me, if you want me to fall hard
Don't say I was meant for you!
Track Name: Creator
When you hear a song in your new friend's room
Does it start on a chord that sounds minor to you?
That's how you tell it's an important song

When you hear a song in your girlfriend's room
Does it mention a president or Sultans of Swing?
That's how you tell that the songwriter's deep

When you hear a song on the satellite
Does the singer sing lyrics you never saw coming?
That's how you tell it's a brilliant song

I'm your creator of folk songs, it's my job to know

When you see a man on the TV screen
Does he dress real sharp, is his tie real blue?
That's how you tell that the man is someone you can trust

When you see his wife on the TV screen
Does she say all the same things he says only softer?
That's how you tell he's an honest man

When you see the man at the podium
Does he say, "let me tell you what happened and when?"
Then you've been given the facts of the case

I'm your creator of folk songs, it's my job to know

When you come to my show, pay attention to
All of the banter between all the verses and choruses,
That's how you stay up on current events

If I go out on tour and I never come back
Don't be scared, you can listen to bootlegs
You got off the Interwebs
They'll tell you what to do (next)
When you fall in love, really fall in love
If you're feeling rejected, just keep trying harder
Your love is special, it's destined to be

When you fall in love, if it's really love
Everything will work out!
Don't believe me? Just check out the movies or sitcoms
Or beer ads for proof

I'm your creator of folk songs, it's my job to know
Track Name: I Will Rule Your World
I will rule your world
From a tree house in the back
You'll forget about the
Places that you used to go on Saturdays
And take me to the zoo
When I say "go"
You'll go any place I like
'Cause you can't imagine living if that living means
You'll never get to see me smile again

I will rule your world
With a soft little fist
And eyes that remind you of your last girlfriend
You will love me more
Even than you love your mom
That car's a little sporty,
Don't you think you ought to
Trade it for a Volvo or a Saab
Let's talk about your band
The one you like the best
They're terrible examples,
Can't we listen to They Might Be Giants
Next time that you drive?

I will rule your world
With a soft little fist
And eyes that remind you of your last girlfriend

I will rule your world
With the tiniest kiss
The kind that makes you promise that your love won't end

I. Will. Rule. Your. World.
Track Name: Good In Bed
Ball point pen on the pillow, notebook on the sheets
I've been writing letters to grandma for three straight weeks
Grandma, how's the garden growing, how's the Milton Berle?
I've been trying Kathy's plan out, but there's still no girl

The last time Kathy came over, she ate her pizza cold
She said, "it's over sweetie," so we went out and bowled
She rolled a strike
I missed my spare
She said, "don't worry, darling, one day you'll get there"

One day, you'll know exactly what to do
One day, the girl will want to stay
One day, you're going to be good. In. Bed.

A dozen former Stray Cats, from the foot to the door
They purr on the comforter but they don't comfort me any more
It's not that I'm allergic, even though I am
It's a sound that Kathy never made when we listened to Wham!

One day, I'll know exactly what to do
One day, the girl will want to stay
One day, I'm going to be good. In. Bed.

Kathy said, "A gentleman would never tell"
But I've been good in bed for three straight weeks
Kathy said, "A gentleman would never ring
his own bell", but I've been good, so good, so
Good.

If you see Kathy, tell her that I say "hello"
Thanks for the good advice, the '94 Merlot
Tell her I'm so much better, tell her I'm great
But be discreet about it, don't exaggerate

One day, I'll know exactly what to do
One day, the girl will want to stay
One day, I'm going to be good. In. Bed.
Track Name: Practice Divorce
I have peanut butter fingers, now I can't unlock my cellphone
It's the Montessori calling, has there been another incident?
You have 40 hours to prepare for your practice divorce!

I hear crying from the rafters, there's a chicken in the blender
Why is Oliver in handcuffs? Where did you learn about waterboarding?!?
You have 30 hours to prepare for your practice divorce

Diaper creme has been my constant companion for a year or two too long
Honey, could you help me find my short skirt?
I have 27 hours and I'm busy packing lunches to go

Here's the babysitter's number, you know how to find the doctor
Don't forget who has which allergies, if you get desperate feed them hot dogs
You have 13 hours to prepare for your practice divorce

Knuffle Bunny's been my constant companion for a year or two too long
I just need a couple hours in a club
Where the bass is thumping and mojitos appear on their own

There are cheetos in the chimney, why is Oli still in handcuffs?
Just how long have they been sleeping? Do you think we have an hour?
Burn some candles and prepare for the payoff for your practice divorce
Track Name: Inhibited
If there was nobody watching,
Dancing is the last thing I would do
I'd go find that nouveau French movie
Where they do things that I couldn't do to you

If I had never been hurt
I'd (still) be loving you the way I do today
After the bruises have faded,
Jaded is a choice we make

I am inhibited, my repertoire is limited
Don't I need permission to go crazy on you?

You know I could beat you at tennis
With my backhand, and my forehand, and my serve
Too bad that the whipping you asked for
Was not my famous spinach cream hors-d'oeuvre
I hear that you want to be tied down
And I can do it in the most romantic way
With tapas and rubies and puppies —
Come on, baby, say the word

When you were thirty, you asked me to whisper something dirty in your ear
But every last mineral and vegetable I thought of only made your smile appear
Now that I'm older, you'd think that I could mention procreation in a song
But I'll never be your Serge Gainsbourg, I guess I've had these reservations all along
Track Name: Sister Mary Catherine, Rock-and-Roll Nun
There's a new girl in town
She's been walking around
Turning heads up and down Ellison Street

See her in all the smoky bars
Singing songs by The Cars and Jefferson Starship

She strums her Strat like Hendrix
But she prays a lot like Martin Luther

I tried to talk to her but there's an anchor
On my tongue, I can't break through her
Excommunication barrier
What's a boy like me going to do with a woman like that?
A woman like that
Sister Mary Catherine, Rock and Roll nun

Every week I confess I'm still trying to guess
What she looks like underneath her
Ankle-length monastic dress,
I'd like to break her of her habit

Take her out to an R-rated movie
Figure out all the words that make her blush

This is no ordinary schoolboy crush
This is a yearning measured in truly biblical proportions
What's a boy like me going to do with a woman like that?
A woman like that
Sister Mary Catherine, Rock-and-roll nun

She keeps her little black book filled with all the
Names and numbers of the men she's always worshipped
She says she loves a man, but he's a god inside my eyes,
I know inside her heart, there's room for more

There's a new girl in town
She's been walking around
Turning heads up and down Ellison Street

There's a bow in her auburn hair,
There's a chill in the autumn air as she
Sashays on by like the pavement's a runway
There's fire and brimstone in her eyes

She's on her knees, trying to save my wretched soul
I'm on her trail, I'm hiding beneath her cloistered bedroom window
What's a boy like me going to do with a woman like that?
A woman like that
Sister Mary Catherine, Rock-and-roll nun
Track Name: Lullaby in Overdrive
My baby's girlfriend Zora has an island house
Halfway between Havana and Fort Lauderdale
She sends an airplane and a rocket and a bus
To bring her playgroup over for her crazy baby games

By two they're drinking coffee,
Eating sushi long before they're five
These babies won't stop growing up
So put your lullabies in overdrive

My niece's favorite band is *N S Y N C
She shakes her head when I ask "CSN&Y?"
She says she'd die if she could wrestle JT
And smiles an awkward smile when I burst into Fire and Rain

Her iPod has Maroon
It has no Jackson Five
These babies won't stop growing up
So put your lullabies in overdrive

My lover's lover's baby's teacher sings a song
I can't believe that baby even goes to school
His second birthday is the first day of July
If he gets homework, I'll just write a note and take him to the beach

By six they're multiplying,
Pretty soon, we'll teach them to derive
These babies won't stop growing up
So put your lullabies in overdrive
Track Name: Immigrant Blues
My parents came from the land of ice and snow and AK47s
They settled down in Chicago in a four-room place in Rogers Park

Teacher said for Halloween, we could dress up like our favorite hero
I was the only kid in the second grade who looked like Joseph Stalin that day

Teacher asked me why I did it?
I looked up and I admitted
I'm an immigrant, I didn't know

In college I tried flirting with an older girl named Julie Bevan
She was nearly twenty-one, with abs of steel and thighs of milk and perfect grades

One day after Chemistry, she invited me upstairs for coffee
I told her I don't drink the stuff, saddled up my bike and rode away
My roommate asked me why I did it?
I looked down and I admitted
I'm an immigrant, I didn't know

A boy is easily confused
In a land that's filled with double-v's
But double-u is what the natives say

Woe is to the boy who's lost
When 'w' and 'o' are crossed
And women work in wonderbras
And wooly wolves and wobbly cars
All sound so different, written all same

In the land of AK 47's, leaders change with generations
In '88 the news announcer said we'd picked George Herbert Walker Bush
The only president I'd ever known was Rappin' Ronnie Reagan
My civics teacher asked the class, "why is it good to change the president?"

Teacher asked me, "don't you get it?"
I looked around and I admitted
I'm an immigrant, I didn't know
Track Name: Elspeth Veronica
Elspeth Veronica, named after nobody,
nobody that you'd know
Sits very quietly, shows you her pedigree,
smiles when you need it most

How could you not fall in love with a girl
who's worth her weight in big, blue eyes?

Elspeth Veronica, wide-eyed and tie-dyed,
sings at the coffee shop downtown
Sings very quietly, but if you listen carefully,
you'll hear the beating of the sweetest heart

Elspeth Veronica dreams of a house with me
with turrets and stained glass
Books in the library, smoke in the double chimney,
bunnies in the backyard

Elspeth Veronica, not one for subtlety,
grabs your esophagus and squeezes
Loves unconditionally, blames the economy,
curls up with Dostoyevsky on my comfy chair
Track Name: Rodeo Clown
If you don't have a clever opening line,
You can still write a song that most people will like
Say a boy met a girl, drove out to California,
Danced in the rain, couldn't breathe when she left
Rhyme night with fight/light/right
Rhyme fly with sky/die/try
There, that's a pretty good song

Oliver, I will admit that our song needs some edits before we can call it our own
Say a boy met a rodeo clown up in Tucson
Danced in the rain, couldn't breathe when she left
Rhyme night with light/right/sight
Rhyme fly with sky/cry/high
Darn, that's a mighty fine song

One other thing we should change in our song
Is that nobody likes to get wet in real life
Say a boy met a rodeo clown up in Tucson
Danced as the Mariachi band played a waltz
Rhyme night with fight/light/right
Rhyme fly with sky/die/try
Shoot, that's a spankin' good song

Oliver, I will reveal to you most of my secrets
Love is something you will feel in your lungs and your stomach
The look in her eyes could be hay fever or a hangover
And if you're unsure of the sound of your song, the easy and hard fix is to have it sung by a girl

Stop me if you think you've heard this before,
It's my latest hit song that I know you will like about
A rodeo clown and a boy up in Tucson
They dance as the Mariachi band plays a waltz
That night they made love underneath the Andromeda
Sky as the meteors fell to the ground
Craters formed all around, As the astronauts frowned
And the dinosaurs drowned, And the regency crowned
By the prophets profound...
Track Name: Raining Gravel
Who did you think you are?
Wishing up on every shooting star
When that didn't work you started wishing on space junk
Anything that streaked across your sky

What did you think you'd get?
Dancing for rain on a minaret
Then you start complaining when it's raining gravel
You and your umbrella were just looking to get wet

If you want something bad enough
Go and make it happen
If you want to see magic
Carry an ace under your hat

Where did you think you'd go?
Fresno, California, or Mexico
Gravel rain makes potholes the size of canyons
Gravel puddles so tall you can't clear them with a tank

If you want something bad enough
Go and make it happen
If you want to see magic
Carry an ace under your hat
If you want something bad enough
Go and make it happen
If you want to see fireworks
Have a sparkle in your eye